Executive Functions, Teenagers and Lying—Oh My!

Gray Matters

Don’t get me wrong–I hate being lied to as much as the next human. In fact, almost nothing makes me more angry. Dishonesty is poisonous. It erodes trust and wreaks havoc on relationships. Is there any moment more maddening, frustrating, and worrying than when your own child lies to you? How about when she does it again? And again? In all my years working with other people’s children, I think this issue pushes parents’ buttons like no other. Take heart; you are not alone.

Kids who are doing really well in school don’t seem to lie about it very much. Seems obvious, right? Why, then, is its inverse so surprising? Kids who are not doing well in school, do lie about it. In my experience, so many kids with ADHD lie about school work that I have come to see it as simply a symptom of the disorder, and have worked hard to try to remove my moral judgment about it. Why, oh why, do they do it? First and foremost, remember that the ability to resist an impulse is not just an executive functions, it is one of the hallmark functions in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD. The frontal lobe, where executive functions live, is the last part of the brain to fully develop, which is why teenagers as a group are more impulsive than adults, even when you take ADHD out of the equation. Kids don’t plan most lies out. When you hit them with “Did you hand in your project today?” as they walk in the door, the lie is out before they’ve even started to process the consequences.

Of course, some lying is premeditated. In most cases this is about self preservation. There is deep shame in school failure, especially for highly intelligent kids with producing disorders that are still little understood. The truth is probably that she wanted to hand in her homework, she knew she was supposed to and she meant to, although, inexplicably, yet again, she didn’t; but she wishes she had! So when you ask if she did, she may answer yes, thinking that it isn’t a lie because her intention was to hand it in, or it isn’t a lie because she can still do it and then she will have handed it in, making it not a lie at that point. Do you see how with this kind of logical reasoning and a not-fully-developed brain, the truth itself begins to seem rather complicated?

Which is not to say that we should accept dishonesty, ignore the lie and give up on teaching integrity to our children. I believe that we have a responsibility to help them understand the impact of dishonesty, what loss of trust means and how hard it is to regain. I expect and value honesty from my children and my students, and so should you.

As parents, we have the happy advantage, hopefully, of fully matured frontal lobes. We are equipped, then, to deal with the lying. How? First and foremost we need to not set them up. You wouldn’t leave twenty dollar bills lying around if you were living with a recovering kleptomaniac; don’t set your kid up to lie to you. Don’t ask him if he cleaned his room, walk upstairs and inspect it. Don’t ask him if he handed in the assignment, talk to the teacher and find out. Next, in instances where you do need to elicit an honest response from your child, don’t let her answer right away. Build in better inhibiting by forcing her to take time to think about your question before she answers. Join with her and instead of an inquisitor, be an advocate and guide helping her choose a new response to an old, ingrained issue.

What you may find out if you can do this is how heavily the lying weighs on her. Ultimately, she may not be doing it just to protect herself; she may be doing it to protect you, too. Lying is a symptom that hurts everybody; treating it as a symptom is the first step to overcoming it.